A Knot In My Stomach

So this is such a busy month. I have one emotional event after another. They will be some of the Happiest moments of my life and some of the most gut wrenching. So here it is:

Allies adoption - June 16th, Happiest moment

CPS Meeting on Tanner - June 18th, Gut Wrenching - Not allowed to go!

Della's Family Reunion - June 18th - June 20th - Oh my gosh! Excited!

Court date for Tanner - June 22nd, absolutely gut wrenching - Will be attending!

Foster Review Board Meeting - June 24th, Must attend. Have to answer a lot of questions - Nothing compared to 2 previous dates though.

Temple Sealing to Allie - June 26th, What a beautiful day!

Allie's baby blessing - June 27th, Blessed to be part of this day!

Brooklyn's Birthday - July 4th, Mixed emotions - Sad she will be 4, proud she is getting so big!

I think this will be a month full of tears - hopefully of happiness and relief.

I also found out today that Tanner's alleged father did show for the paternity test. We were originally told he was a no show but we were miss informed. The results should come back with in the next week or week and a half. I looked up the alleged father online again today and with sadness I must admit there are some similarities. Jon says he still feels that it is not him, I am not to sure. All I know is that I love that little guy with all my heart. It scares me that the alleged father is showing such follow through. He has shown to court, contacted the case worker when needed, and showed for the paternity test when asked. I know he has problems but as Tanner's mom I worry. Jon has such faith and never worries or questions whether Tanner will be ours. I wish I were that strong. Days like this I can't help but think of anything else. I stress, question, worry and think through all scenarios over and over again. Like it matters, like anything I could do would change anything. I have prayed continually for Tanner. I pray that he stays in our home and family so I can give him the love he deserves. But if I have learned anything in the last year it is that the Lord is totally in control. I will trust him. He is the only one that can comfort me these days. I will continue to pray for the day that we are in court with Tanner so that he too will have our last name and I will continue to trust our Heavenly Father. I know he loves us. He loves Tanner and is very mindful of him. I am grateful that I know this. For the events in my life (both good and bad) over the last few years that have taught me this.

It is so late and I have babies that get up early. So Goodnight!