I wasn't ready!

(Allie playing Mary in the Nativity)

The other day Brooklyn and I were in the strangest mood. She was talking about spanking bottoms and I told her about the day she was born and the Dr. turned her upside down and smacked her on her bottom. I continued to do a theatrical performance about what it was like in the hospital room when she was born. Then I gave her a big hug and told her I was glad to be her mommy.

Allie walked in half way through my performance and at the end she looked up at me and said, "What about me!"

I started to sob. I new these questions would come but I thought I had 5 years to pray and think about what to say. Sometimes the Lord likes to see impromptu performances I guess.

I held her and cried for a few minutes thinking I was unable to truly express what a miracle she is to me. Only like Allie can she looked at me with empathy and said, "you cryin mama!" and gave me a hug. She let me cry for a minute.

After the initial sadness of not having the exact story of the night she was born I remembered the day that Della brought her to our home for the 1st time and this is what I told her. "The Lord sent you to us in a very special way. He sent you to Aunt Della so she could bring you to us. She loved you so much and thought it was so important that you have brothers and sisters that she prayed to find a family for you and Aunt Della chose us." I continued to tell her the story and I was again amazed by it. I have never seen the Lords hand so clearly in my life as at that time.

Many miracles happened to bring her to us. The sight of her sitting in my dads arms the 1st time she was in our home is a memory that will stick with me forever.

I pray that I am ready for questions like these when they come. I hope I can express the love I feel for my little girl and little man when they want to know their story, when they have questions about Jennifer, and when they feel frustrated that Jennifer has kids out there they don't know. I hope that our family is enough. I hope I can bring comfort and peace to them. I hope I do this mom thing right with all my kids. It would suck to put your heart and soul into something only to be crappy at it

I wasn't ready for the questions to start already. It has been a few weeks since she asked me to tell her about when she was born and I know she has forgotten all about it but it has been on my mind a lot. I pray that the Lord is with me when my kids need me. I pray that I know what to say at the right time. I pray that I am a good mom.

Sudden Reminders!

I called a friend this morning and she told me her cousin has had custody of a little girl they were confident that they would adopt only to find out this week that CPS would be taking her out of there home with-in the week.

Several things ran through my mind as I heard this story. The first is an overwhelming sadness for this woman. That old ache in my chest returned as I remembered the days that I thought I might receive that same phone call and someone would show up at my door to take part of me away with them. She is experiencing my worst nightmare come true. I couldn't help but cry for her. Then I felt even more sad for her because through that difficult time for me I had my other children to hug and comfort me.

My best friend then reminded me how grateful I should be, and I am. She said that her cousins story reminded her of what a miracle my story is. It is really my lives miracle. People say to me all the time how lucky my kids are. I always laugh and think if they only new stories like this woman having 4 children in her home and each of them taken back out. Each time with the hope that they would be theirs, calling them mom and dad. But only disappointment each time. Then my story which everyone knows. They would realize that I was the blessed one, and I pray that this woman will be blessed with a baby as well.

I am grateful for these sudden reminders that make me ponder. I think back to the day that I was pregnant with Brooklyn and Jon took his job at Owens and Bondell, we met Della for the first time. I know that the Lord had a plan for us way back then. He knew Della would play a enormous role in our lives. I am hopeful that this woman has a child brought into her life like my kiddos were brought into mine.

Oh Sweet Severance!

I LOVE THIS BOY!

At court yesterday morning we got what we prayed for. Jennifer signed the paperwork and her rights have been severed. I didn't realize how much it had weighed on me until I walked out of the courthouse. It was one of those moments that I again realized how God has had his hand so apparently in my life over the last few years. At least 10 times a day I say a silent prayer of thanks or sit and marvel over the things that have happened to us. As we get closer and closer to the adoption I remember the times I spent holding Tanner in his room sobbing, unable to control it, wondering if at the court case the next day might be the last time I would hold him. Then Jon would come in thinking I was crazy because he always new that in the end he would be ours. But we would say a prayer or if I was alone I would offer a silent prayer and it was only then I was comforted. I knew that no matter what happened it would be okay because God was in control. I remember so many people trying to comfort me with logical reasons of why he couldn't be taken from us and I would try to think it through but in the end it was only a prayer to my Heavenly Father that could comfort me. I am grateful for prayer and for the peace that it brings to me. I am grateful my prayers were answered for Tanner and that I will be the one to love him.

A Little Anxiety

Today I go to court again. I am anxious. I usually go to court early in the morning so I don't have time to think about it but today I have to wait until 3:00pm. It is fine it just gives me a few hours to think of things that I might say wrong. This is the first time ever I will talk to Jennifer (the birth vessel for my kiddos.) We are in a mediation to discuss what kind of involvement she can have. I hope she is comfortable with pictures once or twice a year because I know that is all I can give. I hope I remember to call him Riley, I hope that I don't offend her or make her upset, and I hope that she can tell how much I love Tanner and Allie and she decides that this is the best place for them. I realize I am hoping and praying for a lot but I can't help it. I love my Kiddo's